Today, we took another step in the direction of formalizing a relationship between myself and the Josiah Foundation. Dave, Mike, and Don Pahl (another Josiah Board member) and I were meeting Paul Landrey for lunch. A mutual friend had told Mike, Dave and me about Paul, who lives in Omaha and is the International Director of TOPIC Ministries, a non-profit organization which also serves a missionary sending function.
Paul immediately demonstrated his competence in this area, beginning what could best be called a "structured interview" of the purpose, function, and organization of the Josiah Foundation and how I would become part of their overall mission. His insightful questions helped us clarify how we would structure and manage our relationship, as well as fund raising and fund disbursement. What had seemed overwhelming to me became more reasonable as Paul helped us, step by step, through the process. His wisdom and experience, as well as his patience with our numerous questions, were invaluable to us.
Thank you, Paul, for sharing your expertise and your vision with us! And thank you, God, for connecting us with Paul.
February 16, 2009
Today I received an email from a friend whose family has a Bible institute in Huehuetenango. I'd written him to ask if he knew any good doctors in the area, and, through his father, he was able to send me the name of one his family has known for years. A small thing, perhaps, but as I reflect on my meeting with him, it once again reinforces for me the action of God in the events of my life.
Dave Penner and I met Eddie standing in line to check our bags as we we leaving Guatemala after our first trip. A business woman had asked us what we were doing in Guatemala, and then quickly lost interest as we talked about the orphanage we had visited. However, because of what we had shared, Eddie introduced himself to us and told us about his family's ministry. We exchanged email information and went on our way. Eddie later sent me contact information for Dick Rutgers, who introduced us to Hermano Pedro Orphanage on our second trip.
This may sound inconsequential, but as I reflect on it, it is nothing short of a "Godincident." As a result of a five minute conversation in the Guatemala City airport, God connected me with Eddie, who connected me with Dick, who connected me with Hermano Pedro, where I hope to serve. It is even more incredible, because Dick really has no idea who Eddie is! I stand in awe at the way in which God has prepared the way. I am especially grateful that He has let me see the connections so clearly. And now it seems He has brought this full circle--because of my on-going contact with Eddie (who is living in Seattle), I was able (from Omaha) to give Dick and Roland (in Guatemala) the name of a good doctor in the Huehue area. I can't wait to see what God is going to do next!
Dave Penner and I met Eddie standing in line to check our bags as we we leaving Guatemala after our first trip. A business woman had asked us what we were doing in Guatemala, and then quickly lost interest as we talked about the orphanage we had visited. However, because of what we had shared, Eddie introduced himself to us and told us about his family's ministry. We exchanged email information and went on our way. Eddie later sent me contact information for Dick Rutgers, who introduced us to Hermano Pedro Orphanage on our second trip.
This may sound inconsequential, but as I reflect on it, it is nothing short of a "Godincident." As a result of a five minute conversation in the Guatemala City airport, God connected me with Eddie, who connected me with Dick, who connected me with Hermano Pedro, where I hope to serve. It is even more incredible, because Dick really has no idea who Eddie is! I stand in awe at the way in which God has prepared the way. I am especially grateful that He has let me see the connections so clearly. And now it seems He has brought this full circle--because of my on-going contact with Eddie (who is living in Seattle), I was able (from Omaha) to give Dick and Roland (in Guatemala) the name of a good doctor in the Huehue area. I can't wait to see what God is going to do next!
February 12, 2009
Well, I'm back to work, hitting the ground running as it seems. I am so grateful God has called me to this church and this ministry. Each time I go away, I realize how much I miss the people I work with and those in our congregation. While I know I'm not indispensible, it is nice to feel that I am missed, and make a contribution. It's even nicer, though, to know that my lay leaders can keep the ministries running well without me!
Have spent a lot of time the past few days reflecting on "God's will" for my life. I used to think that God had this master plan, and, if I deviated from it, boy, was I in trouble. Am seeing now that God's will for me is reflected in a series of invitations--to join Him in what He is doing. This may be in Omaha, Guatemala, or some other place. But always, an invitation. And if I miss one, through inattention or selfishness, He is faithful to issue another. And each invitation has its own series of blessings that come with accepting it.
Guess you could say I now believe my life with God is more of a dance, with Him leading, than a forced march with Him commanding. Wonder if this is what Paul meant when he said, "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive." (1Cor. 10:23) Responding to some invitations will "build" me into the woman God intended me to be from all eternity, will help me live from my "good" heart. The will of God in my life, then, is to accept those invitations which are from Him, beneficial and constructive. And, when I blow it, miss the mark, fall short--He gently corrects my steps, all the while holding me tightly in His arms. He is determined to finish what He has started, transforming me into the very image of Jesus Himself.
How all this pertains to moving to Guatemala is becoming clearer. God has given me a ministry in Omaha which I love, and am fairly good at. I can choose to stay here, play it safe and secure, and still be privileged to serve Him. On the other hand, He has offered an invitation to risk, to trust Him ruthlessly, to serve Him in Guatemala, and to experience new and different blessings. Each is good, but I believe one is best--to risk and trust Him. Not something I've very good at--I'm willing to serve but really like knowing I can take care of myself if I have to. Isn't that just the height of illusion? In taking this leap, I will come to know Him in different and deeper ways. In doing this, I need to be prepared for the next invitation He issues and face the future without fear. In 1 Cor. 6:12, Paul again reminds me, "'Everything is permissible for me'—but I will not be mastered by anything." So, Father, once again I surrender my fear, my tendency to control, my desire for earthly security. And I recognize, once again, that you will meet my desire for security, not with a counterfeit, tangible security, but with the eternal security of knowing I am held in the palm of Your hand!
This morning I had breakfast with Dave Penner, president of the Josiah Foundation, and Mike Wenig, its treasurer. One step in the direction of risk. God's reassurance, through the support of these two good friends that this risk is not foolhardy. As we talked of my trip and my plans for the future, I actually felt, maybe for the first time, "This really IS going to happen!" As we began to talk the nuts and bolts of my going to Guatemala under the Josiah Foundation, I was humbled at the faith the board is placing in the vision I believe God has given me.
An added blessing is that both Mike and Dave have been to Guatemala. Dave and I have served on the same short-term teams a couple of times. In fact, we were together on my first trip to GT. Mike prayed with our team in preparation for our second trip. Mike and Dave also made a trip down last January. So when I talk with them about people and places and ideas and activities, their experience and insight is most helpful. And their excitement at what God is doing matches my own. It is very clear to me that God has purposely orchestrated these events to help provide me with encouragement and direction as I move forward. Looking back, it all seems almost impossible how things have fallen in place. But isn't it just like our God to do the impossible?
I can't wait to see what impossible things God will do next!
Have spent a lot of time the past few days reflecting on "God's will" for my life. I used to think that God had this master plan, and, if I deviated from it, boy, was I in trouble. Am seeing now that God's will for me is reflected in a series of invitations--to join Him in what He is doing. This may be in Omaha, Guatemala, or some other place. But always, an invitation. And if I miss one, through inattention or selfishness, He is faithful to issue another. And each invitation has its own series of blessings that come with accepting it.
Guess you could say I now believe my life with God is more of a dance, with Him leading, than a forced march with Him commanding. Wonder if this is what Paul meant when he said, "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible"—but not everything is constructive." (1Cor. 10:23) Responding to some invitations will "build" me into the woman God intended me to be from all eternity, will help me live from my "good" heart. The will of God in my life, then, is to accept those invitations which are from Him, beneficial and constructive. And, when I blow it, miss the mark, fall short--He gently corrects my steps, all the while holding me tightly in His arms. He is determined to finish what He has started, transforming me into the very image of Jesus Himself.
How all this pertains to moving to Guatemala is becoming clearer. God has given me a ministry in Omaha which I love, and am fairly good at. I can choose to stay here, play it safe and secure, and still be privileged to serve Him. On the other hand, He has offered an invitation to risk, to trust Him ruthlessly, to serve Him in Guatemala, and to experience new and different blessings. Each is good, but I believe one is best--to risk and trust Him. Not something I've very good at--I'm willing to serve but really like knowing I can take care of myself if I have to. Isn't that just the height of illusion? In taking this leap, I will come to know Him in different and deeper ways. In doing this, I need to be prepared for the next invitation He issues and face the future without fear. In 1 Cor. 6:12, Paul again reminds me, "'Everything is permissible for me'—but I will not be mastered by anything." So, Father, once again I surrender my fear, my tendency to control, my desire for earthly security. And I recognize, once again, that you will meet my desire for security, not with a counterfeit, tangible security, but with the eternal security of knowing I am held in the palm of Your hand!
This morning I had breakfast with Dave Penner, president of the Josiah Foundation, and Mike Wenig, its treasurer. One step in the direction of risk. God's reassurance, through the support of these two good friends that this risk is not foolhardy. As we talked of my trip and my plans for the future, I actually felt, maybe for the first time, "This really IS going to happen!" As we began to talk the nuts and bolts of my going to Guatemala under the Josiah Foundation, I was humbled at the faith the board is placing in the vision I believe God has given me.
An added blessing is that both Mike and Dave have been to Guatemala. Dave and I have served on the same short-term teams a couple of times. In fact, we were together on my first trip to GT. Mike prayed with our team in preparation for our second trip. Mike and Dave also made a trip down last January. So when I talk with them about people and places and ideas and activities, their experience and insight is most helpful. And their excitement at what God is doing matches my own. It is very clear to me that God has purposely orchestrated these events to help provide me with encouragement and direction as I move forward. Looking back, it all seems almost impossible how things have fallen in place. But isn't it just like our God to do the impossible?
I can't wait to see what impossible things God will do next!
February 7, 2009
Today was the first chance I'd had in a few days to check my email. In it I found a response Dick Rutgers had shared, sent to a young lady working in Antigua, who was grieving the death of one of the young women at Hermano Pedro. His eloquent words describe the situation better than anything I could say, and left me broken and hiding:
I am unable to sleep because in a few hours I will be bringing Lisvi and her family the rest of the way to their home. Lisvi is a six year old girl that I have fallen in love with. Not because of any outward beauty. At fourteen pounds Lisvi looks more like a shriveled up old lady than a little girl. Lisvi who is unable to talk and scarcely has the strength to change expressions has stolen my heart because she is one of God's children. Her parents recognize that as well and could not love her more if she were the most beautiful princess in the world. I have struggled for several days now trying to convince them that it would be best for Lisvi if they admitted her into the malnutrition ward of Hermano Pedro. The room that is located just upstairs from where Chochi stayed. Two days after convincing Lisvi's parents to let me take them to Antigua they decided that they could not bear to be separated from her and asked me to take her back home with them. I must admit I was a bit bitter at first but during our five hour car ride home yesterday I watched both father and mother as they took turns holding their precious daughter. The love that they had for her was unquestionable. I began to realize that she needed them far more than any silly hospital. Reading your journal today helped to confirm that. Perhaps much like Chochi, Lisvi needs to be home with a Father that can hold her tightly.
I have to admit I only quickly skimmed through his response. Again, the thought, "Lord, I want to serve you, but it hurts too much," was at the front of my mind, as I quickly skipped to the next email. If I just don't let myself think about it, it won't hurt so much. If I just distract myself, it won't hurt so much. If I just try to forget, then it can't hurt, can it?
The next email was from Roland Elf, sending pictures of our trip. All the tears I'd held back, came quickly to the surface. Luckily, I'm sitting at my brother's computer rather than in an internet cafe this time. And as I sat crying, I seriously wondered if I could forget about those I love in Guatemala, forget I'd ever met Lisvi, Silsa, Francesca, and many more. Forget Lionel, Ervin, Elmer, Byron, Moi, Sonja, Veronica and the rest of the kids I've gotten to love more with each visit. "God, I want to forget because it hurts too much. You've got the wrong person. I can't do this. I'm just not enough. Not strong enough, not compassionate enough, not faithful enough."
Then I opened the devotional I receive daily:
So, I'm sitting here crying as I write, finally feeling all I couldn't let myself feel while it was happening.
As people begin asking me how my trip was, I really don't know what to say. "Great! I met and fell in love with a 6 year old who is probably gonna die. I fell in love with a three month old, who wasn't starving enough to go to the hospital, yet." My heart feels so bitter right now. It's not so much that I don't feel, but so often I don't want to feel. "Lord, I want to serve you, but it hurts too much." The theme of my life, I guess. . .
Finally I realize that my attempts to protect my heart are playing right into my enemy's hands. Have I not read, over and over in Scripture that Jesus "looked on them with compassion," not the professional detachment I have been taught to have? Yet, over and over again, I try to protect my heart from hurting, and wonder why I feel empty.
But I think maybe I'm getting it right this time. In my heart I rage not at the God who loves us, but at the enemy who desires our destruction. As I prayed on the plane coming home yesterday, God showed me that Lisvi did not need to meet me. I needed to meet Lisvi. I needed to willingly let my heart be touched, and wounded, and trust that He will give me everything I need to heal. I needed to learn again to risk letting my heart be touched, knowing it might be broken, but trusting it will heal.
I am unable to sleep because in a few hours I will be bringing Lisvi and her family the rest of the way to their home. Lisvi is a six year old girl that I have fallen in love with. Not because of any outward beauty. At fourteen pounds Lisvi looks more like a shriveled up old lady than a little girl. Lisvi who is unable to talk and scarcely has the strength to change expressions has stolen my heart because she is one of God's children. Her parents recognize that as well and could not love her more if she were the most beautiful princess in the world. I have struggled for several days now trying to convince them that it would be best for Lisvi if they admitted her into the malnutrition ward of Hermano Pedro. The room that is located just upstairs from where Chochi stayed. Two days after convincing Lisvi's parents to let me take them to Antigua they decided that they could not bear to be separated from her and asked me to take her back home with them. I must admit I was a bit bitter at first but during our five hour car ride home yesterday I watched both father and mother as they took turns holding their precious daughter. The love that they had for her was unquestionable. I began to realize that she needed them far more than any silly hospital. Reading your journal today helped to confirm that. Perhaps much like Chochi, Lisvi needs to be home with a Father that can hold her tightly.
I have to admit I only quickly skimmed through his response. Again, the thought, "Lord, I want to serve you, but it hurts too much," was at the front of my mind, as I quickly skipped to the next email. If I just don't let myself think about it, it won't hurt so much. If I just distract myself, it won't hurt so much. If I just try to forget, then it can't hurt, can it?
The next email was from Roland Elf, sending pictures of our trip. All the tears I'd held back, came quickly to the surface. Luckily, I'm sitting at my brother's computer rather than in an internet cafe this time. And as I sat crying, I seriously wondered if I could forget about those I love in Guatemala, forget I'd ever met Lisvi, Silsa, Francesca, and many more. Forget Lionel, Ervin, Elmer, Byron, Moi, Sonja, Veronica and the rest of the kids I've gotten to love more with each visit. "God, I want to forget because it hurts too much. You've got the wrong person. I can't do this. I'm just not enough. Not strong enough, not compassionate enough, not faithful enough."
Then I opened the devotional I receive daily:
This is the last thing the Enemy wants you to know. His plan from the beginning was to assault the heart, just as the Wicked Witch did to the Tin Woodman. Make them so busy, they ignore the heart. Wound them so deeply, they don’t want a heart. Twist their theology, so they despise the heart. Take away their courage. Destroy their creativity. Make intimacy with God impossiblefor them. Of course your heart would be the object of a great and fierce battle. It is your most precious possession. Without your heart you cannot have God. Without your heart you cannot have love. Without your heart you cannot have faith. Without your heart you cannot find the work you were meant to do. In other words, without your heart you cannot have life.
from: Daily Readings, Randsomed Heart Devotionals (2/6/2009)
So, I'm sitting here crying as I write, finally feeling all I couldn't let myself feel while it was happening.
As people begin asking me how my trip was, I really don't know what to say. "Great! I met and fell in love with a 6 year old who is probably gonna die. I fell in love with a three month old, who wasn't starving enough to go to the hospital, yet." My heart feels so bitter right now. It's not so much that I don't feel, but so often I don't want to feel. "Lord, I want to serve you, but it hurts too much." The theme of my life, I guess. . .
Finally I realize that my attempts to protect my heart are playing right into my enemy's hands. Have I not read, over and over in Scripture that Jesus "looked on them with compassion," not the professional detachment I have been taught to have? Yet, over and over again, I try to protect my heart from hurting, and wonder why I feel empty.
But I think maybe I'm getting it right this time. In my heart I rage not at the God who loves us, but at the enemy who desires our destruction. As I prayed on the plane coming home yesterday, God showed me that Lisvi did not need to meet me. I needed to meet Lisvi. I needed to willingly let my heart be touched, and wounded, and trust that He will give me everything I need to heal. I needed to learn again to risk letting my heart be touched, knowing it might be broken, but trusting it will heal.
February 6, 2009
This morning as I was finishing packing, Mari came in to visit. She is so sweet and always apologizes for bothering me. Usually she brings a treat with her. Today it was a chocolate truffle. Yes, food surely is a large part of life down here. Mari was going shopping and wanted to make sure I didn’t need anything before she left. We would leave for the airport in Guatemala City about 11 am. She also brought another gift, a beautiful gold scrolled bracelet. It appeared to be older and I wondered if it was a gift given her by Leo. I cried for the last time this trip when she explained to me that this had belonged to her grandmother. She wanted me to have it because she really has no family left, and said I was the closest thing she had to a sister. I don’t know if anyone has ever said anything to me that has touched my heart more.
A short time later, Mari returned with more gifts. . .chocolate discs used to make hot chocolate, and boxes of “pan dulce,” the sweet bread I like so much. It was quite a trick to pack all this into my already full suitcases. Why is it clothes don’t go home as cooperatively as they come on vacation? All too soon, I was ready, and it was time to go. The drive to the city was more subdued than most of our conversations. Neither of us wanted to part, but we both knew I would return. The time in between was what we discussed. Of all the drivers I’ve ridden with in Guatemala, Mari was by far the most cautious. I still haven’t figured out if that is good or bad!After receiving numerous warnings from Mari that I would watch my purse, and promising her I would get something to eat in the airport, I was off. For the first time in 10 days, I was once again really on my own. Though the airport was quite busy, I checked in without problems and soon was comfortably seated on the plane which would take me back to the States. The under-booked flight gave me plenty of room to stretch out and time to reflect as I headed back to Chicago to spend the evening with my brother.
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