Twelve years working in Guatemala and leading a ministry has taught me many things, by the grace of God. He has used His Word, experiences and His people to reveal the darkness still hiding in me.
That may sound strange coming from someone many call a "missionary," but shouldn't be surprising considering that all sin and fall short of God's glory. And our failures (falling shorts) usually are founded in our lack of obedience--our failure to say "yes" and carry through with what we say yes to.
Giving a whole-hearted yes to Him when I realize I am stalling is the only way to really obey. He showed me this one Sunday when I was attending a house church and had been profoundly touched by the sharing and encouragement of its members. At the end of our time together, the leader asked, "What will your 'yes' be to God this week?"
In that moment I was convicted of how I was presently saying "yes" to a leading of the Holy Spirit, yet postponing doing anything to carry out what He had prompted me to do. In that moment He revealed to me my tendency to giving Him a "half-hearted" yes, which didn't require anything from me but made me "feel" like I was being obedient.
In this case, as a ministry we were being led to purchase a permanent home for our women. I had already gone through the total dependence in faith required to purchase the men's home, and honestly, never wanted to have to do that again. So, in fear and fatigue I was dragging my feet. In my heart I was thinking (unconsciously), "Can't you just be satisfied with what we have already done?" Nick's question immediately brought this darkness in me to light and demanded my repentance. And, as I am obedient, I continue to be astonished at His provision and strength as we pursue this.
The home is not paid off yet, but I trust that it will be by January 2024 when the contract expires. We are doing things to help make this happen (that's another blog) but recognizing that what we do is futile if God is not at the center of it. So I try to listen, discern, confirm and act as He reveals.
This is not the first time I have given God a half-hearted yes. Looking back at my life, I see a pattern of holding back on Him. I pray this will be the last time I pretend to obey and fail to follow through. No more half-hearted "yeses" from me!
