Guatemalan Journey: Risk and Reflections

I'm not much of a risk-taker. Skiing, surfing, even ice skating hold no appeal to me. Moving fast, physically or experientially, scares me.

I've not always been this way. As a barely twenty year old, I packed up everything and went to teach on the Rosebud Reservation in South Dakota. I had never been west of Iowa, and, embarrassingly, thought South Dakota was west of Idaho! I knew nothing about Native Americans, even less about working cross culturally. If truth be told, I think I did it to move far away from a dysfunctional family situation. (Of course, I brought my dysfunction with me, but that story is for another day.) But the reservation school was desperate for a special ed teacher, and I needed my first teaching job. If I had known when I left Chicago just how much I didn't know about teaching. I never would have packed up my car, let alone driven 1000 miles to Saint Francis. (BTW, I had only learned to drive two months earlier!)

God was gracious to me, though. The Executive Director of the school, Frank, taught me more about living and working in a very different culture than any missionary training school or college class in multi-cultural education every could have. Even today I use the lessons he taught me, often after he had laughed at my foolish mistakes that brought me to him in tears. I am forever grateful to him.

Do I believe God led me there? I'm not sure. I do know that he used this experience. as well as many other wise and not-so-wise moves I have made, to mold me into who I am today. I have never, even for a moment, regretted moving to Saint Francis, nor teaching at the school. The growing pains that came with this position were well worth it, and I discovered I loved the Native American culture, and perhaps even fit into it better that I did my own.

But then something shifted in my heart. I got married, had children, and my goal in life became to find and hold on to security, no matter how healthy or dysfunctional it was. While I desired to follow God, I surely didn't trust Him to give me all I needed. I placed my security in a husband, owning a home, getting an advanced degree and finding a stable job. I asked God to bless my plans, never really considering if they were His plans for me. And then everything fell apart.

Don't get me wrong. One of my greatest joys and blessings have been my four kids (and now two grandchildren). All the pain of those middle year of my life cannot hold a candle to the gratitude I feel that they are my family. I would not be who I am today if I had not had many rough edges ground off my personality by their four very different personalities. God used them to make me who I am today. And I am grateful to them, even as they continue to mold me into who God would have me become.

He has also use the degrees I've earned and what I learned in my various jobs to prepare me for where He has me today. So, even as I clung to my own security, God has been faithful to use my self-centered decisions to prepare me for what He had in store for me.

It may surprise you to know that I don't see my move to Guatemala as a big risk taking decision. I had years of planning and wanting to be here. God gradually weaned me off of my independent security and onto His abundant provision by the way He structured my move. First, through the whole process of raising support. I had planned on waiting until I was 65 and could collect full Social Security and then move down here on my own dime. (Oh, what I would have missed if I had clung to this--I still wouldn't be here!) He provided a safe place for me to live with a family for my first two years, and though the relationship has changed over time, they provided me with a safety net I needed at the time.

Moving from their house, out into my own, for a year and a half was a good transition which did not challenge me too much. I was still working at Hermano Pedro, and my only expenses were my own support.

Starting our community home, and signing a lease for the house stretched me further, financially and personally. Having the legal and personal responsibility to provide for two young men was a challenge I had not planned on, but one which I believe God has ordained. (It's very different having the house than teaching in the school. I can walk away from the school if things get too hard--not that I would or desire to do so--but Osmi and Fidel are my responsibility, well into the future.)

I think if I had fully thought through the implications of starting Casa de Esperanza, I might have been paralyzed in fear and insecurity. God has used this to teach me He will provide all the resources I need to do this work He has brought me here to do. He provides the staff, the finances, the facilities, and even the personal energy that I need to carry out this mission. He taught me to focus on the one step He has put in front of me, to take that step in obedience, and to look into the future focusing on His past provision, rather than the future need.

What may appear to be risky to me (and to many outsiders) is actually strategically thought out (under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and with the wise counsel of advisers He has provided) and covered in much prayer. I am learning to only worry about being obedient to the next step He has placed before me, confident that even if I mess up, He is there to set me on a course correction. I have finally learned that the only "catastrophe" in life is missing out on what God has in store for me.

So, it is with this attitude that today I signed the papers to purchase our new facility in San Pedro Las Huertas. We have made a down payment of $40,000 (more than I paid for my first house!) and the balance ($130,000) is due February 1, 2016. I can sit here today honestly saying that I don't know where the rest of this will come from, but I believe God does. It is my sincere desire to be able to pay this off in cash, rather than assume the burden of a loan, which is doubly tricky since the property is in Guatemala and as part of a condominium here things are more complicated.

I trust though that God has the money set aside for us. Before you assume I am being irresponsible here, consider how God has led us to make this purchase. (Don't know the details? Click here.) Time and again, while here on the mission field, I have seen God provide--usually at the 11th hour--large sums needed by ministries to complete a purchase or fulfill a contract. While I don't ever want to see God's provision as common place, it is not an unusual occurrence. In the States we just don't often wait long enough to see Him act, or are too cautious to take a God-size leap of faith where only He can meet our need.

Is this an easy time for me? My flesh frequently cries out "What have you done? What on earth are you thinking?" My emotions turn toward panic mode. At times, even my heart races a bit!

And each time I turn this back into the hands of the Father, some days with more perceived confidence than others, but always trusting His best for us. I recite two Scriptures, one of which God gave me as my focus Scripture for 2015, and another He has brought to mind frequently when I begin to fear. And my heart is calmed. Don't ask me how I do it. For a recovering worry-holic this is only by the grace of God. So I am learning to live in the midst of risk, and even enjoying it a little.