March 28, 2009

My friend Dick called last night to tell me that little Lisvi had died yesterday. My heart is so sad, and yet so peaceful at the same time. A while back, Dick had journaled that perhaps more than being in a hospital, she needed to be in the arms of the Father who loves her the most. That image keeps me from too much sorrow. Picturing her in the arms of our Father in heaven, no longer weak and starving, but whole and healthy. How I can't wait to meet her in heaven!

But I do grieve for her parents, who loved her so much and cared for her so well. I pray that they will know the comfort of the Father who loves them the most. I can't even imagine what Francisca must be feeling today. This is the third little one she has buried. I know there will be an empty place near their stove where Lisvi always sat to keep warm.

And I can't help but wonder why God brought her into my life at this time. It seems somewhat ironic that she would live six years and die shortly after we tried to get her help. I believe though that God timing is always perfect, and that our meeting was part of his plan for both of us. What I gave to Lisvi, I can't imagine. What she gave to me is immeasurable. Lisvi touched a part of my heart that I've kept hidden and protected from almost everyone. The part of my heart where I feel the most intense pain, but also the most immense joy. In a way, I think that through Lisvi God gave me back my whole heart.

Why did God let me fall so deeply in love with her, only to have it hurt so much? And I suddenly remember what I'd journaled on Feb. 6:

"As I prayed on the plane coming home yesterday, God showed me that Lisvi did not need to meet me. I needed to meet Lisvi. I needed to willingly let my heart be touched, and wounded, and trust that He will give me everything I need to heal. I needed to learn again to risk letting my heart be touched, knowing it might be broken, but trusting it will heal."

A month and a half later I realize even more how true those words are. Each time I look at her picture on my office wall, I feel a stab of pain at the same time I feel a surge of great joy. Gradually over the days since I've returned, the theme of my heart has changed. For so long it has been, "Lord, I want to serve you, but it hurts too much." I have held back in fear that if I gave my whole heart I would be hurt beyond what I could bear. During the days since my last time in Guatemala, it has evolved to, "Lord, I need your help, because serving you hurts so much." I believe my healing began as I held Lisvi for the first time. It continues each time I remember her.

In my flesh, I want to get angry. To believe that if they had just admitted Lisvi to the hospital, she would be okay. And then I laugh at my foolishness. How can I say I believe that God numbers our days, and then think any of us are powerful enough to change this? The Perezes did what they believed was the best thing for their little one. The sad truth is, it is better that she died in the arms of those who loved her, rather than alone in a sterile crib in hospital eight hours away from her family. We don't know yet what doors our encounter with this family will open for others who live in this remote area, but God does.

So I rest in that knowledge, and in the picture of her in the arms of the Father who loves her.

And I thank Him for the progress Lionel has made at Hermano Pedro, doubling his weight in the last 5 months, though his absence from home continues to grieve his family greatly.

And I praise Him for Zachary (my grandson), who is strong and healthy, and wants for nothing. And I pray that the Lord will place a fire in the Zacharies of the world, to love and serve and fight for the Lionel's and Lisvi's.

March 20, 2009

As I reflect on my last post, I once again realize how much energy I waste on fear. I have been absolutely overwhelmed by the responses I've gotten to my letter. The encouragement, support and even admonitions to be "careful" have made me more aware of what good friends God has given me.

It has been hard, though, to know how to respond to those who have said things like, "You're so brave to be doing this," or "This is so noble." I appreciate what they are trying to say to me, but this doesn't feel noble at all. It feels as natural as drawing my next breath. It is my passion and the desire of my heart, as well as what God is calling me to. I would be more afraid of the regrets I would have if I did NOT follow this call.

This all sounds so un-holy, human, not supernatural. But I am coming, each day, to appreciate more and more that God has planted our desires in our heart, and he wants to fulfill them. Not the fleshly, selfish wants we all fall into, but the truest passions of our heart, are from Him. And they are good as long as we desire Him ABOVE all else. Ps. 37:4 tells us: Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. How sad that we have made desire something to be feared or shamed.

I wish I could put into words the joy, excitement, expectation I'm experiencing as God is starting to move in the direction of giving me the desires of my heart. I sit in utter amazement at the goodness of our God.

March 15, 2009

Well, today I've done it. This weekend I wrote and today I sent out a letter to my friends asking for prayer support as I prepare to move to Guatemala.

I didn't expect writing this letter to be so hard, or sending it to be so scary, but it was. What if I don't say it right? What if I come off sounding like a beggar? What if they don't understand? What if I can't do it? What if . . .?

And as I write this, I see that's where all the difficulty lies. I keep playing what if. I keep resisting the ruthless trust our Father calls us to. I keep paying attention to the lies my enemy plants in my mind, and let them seep into my heart. When all I need to do is focus on the Giver of all good things. I need to trust in Paul's reminder, to be confident "that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil. 1:6) To keep at the forefront of my mind, that God is faithful. I believe He has invited me into this process. And that even though I don't have any idea what the future will really look like, He does. And it is good, because He is good.

As I think/pray about all this, Luke 9:62 keeps coming to mind: Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." It's taken me days to be able to say this verse with confidence, rather than shame or guilt at looking back. I suddenly have realized that Jesus wasn't criticizing us for grieving what we leave behind when we follow Him. He was reminding us to look ahead to the promise, to the One who gives the promise and has the power to fulfill it. I think He was trying to tell us that the only way we can serve well is not to focus on anything but what we see God doing and join in. Thank you, Father, for the promise.

February 20, 2009

Today, we took another step in the direction of formalizing a relationship between myself and the Josiah Foundation. Dave, Mike, and Don Pahl (another Josiah Board member) and I were meeting Paul Landrey for lunch. A mutual friend had told Mike, Dave and me about Paul, who lives in Omaha and is the International Director of TOPIC Ministries, a non-profit organization which also serves a missionary sending function.

Paul immediately demonstrated his competence in this area, beginning what could best be called a "structured interview" of the purpose, function, and organization of the Josiah Foundation and how I would become part of their overall mission. His insightful questions helped us clarify how we would structure and manage our relationship, as well as fund raising and fund disbursement. What had seemed overwhelming to me became more reasonable as Paul helped us, step by step, through the process. His wisdom and experience, as well as his patience with our numerous questions, were invaluable to us.

Thank you, Paul, for sharing your expertise and your vision with us! And thank you, God, for connecting us with Paul.

February 16, 2009

Today I received an email from a friend whose family has a Bible institute in Huehuetenango. I'd written him to ask if he knew any good doctors in the area, and, through his father, he was able to send me the name of one his family has known for years. A small thing, perhaps, but as I reflect on my meeting with him, it once again reinforces for me the action of God in the events of my life.

Dave Penner and I met Eddie standing in line to check our bags as we we leaving Guatemala after our first trip. A business woman had asked us what we were doing in Guatemala, and then quickly lost interest as we talked about the orphanage we had visited. However, because of what we had shared, Eddie introduced himself to us and told us about his family's ministry. We exchanged email information and went on our way. Eddie later sent me contact information for Dick Rutgers, who introduced us to Hermano Pedro Orphanage on our second trip.

This may sound inconsequential, but as I reflect on it, it is nothing short of a "Godincident." As a result of a five minute conversation in the Guatemala City airport, God connected me with Eddie, who connected me with Dick, who connected me with Hermano Pedro, where I hope to serve. It is even more incredible, because Dick really has no idea who Eddie is! I stand in awe at the way in which God has prepared the way. I am especially grateful that He has let me see the connections so clearly. And now it seems He has brought this full circle--because of my on-going contact with Eddie (who is living in Seattle), I was able (from Omaha) to give Dick and Roland (in Guatemala) the name of a good doctor in the Huehue area. I can't wait to see what God is going to do next!