Does God Really Need Me Here?

I began writing this reflection almost two months ago, as I was beginning my fifth year here in Guatemala.  For a variety of reasons it did not get finished--until today.  School was cancelled today due to a gymnastics competition, and I decided to work on my blog. Six hours later I am finally completing one entry.  God has taken me on an unexpected journey through Scripture today, to remind me who I am and what it really is He calls me to do.  Please pray for me, that I remember this as He sometimes calls me to do what seems to be the impossible.  When He calls me to "God-sized" challenges, and I fear I am not enough.

Pray I remember that the results are not my responsibility; the obedience is.  Pray I stay faithfully obedient to His call upon me daily.

When I reflect on the last four years, I am tempted to "evaluate" them in terms of two extremes.  First, "WOW, look how great I am and how much I've done."  The other is, "Is this all I've accomplished in four years?"  The problem with both views is they misplace the focus on me.

I know, however, that ministry without reflection is dangerous.  So how do I determine if what I've been doing these past four years has been faithful to the call I received.

As a "missionary" (I hate to even apply that to myself because of the status that implies in the minds of many) we risk beginning to believe the elevated opinions others have of us.  This leads to the pride and arrogance that are so easily fallen into without realizing it.  I'm there each time I think, "If they would just do what I tell them. . ." or "Why do they have to. . .?" with more than a little bit of a critical heart and a lot of frustration.  I believe this when I take pride (not to be confused with the satisfaction of having seen God at work) in all I have accomplished.

But does God NEED me here? Or anywhere for that matter.  Am I so important that I can assume my absence will thwart the work of God in the world?  Am I so indispensable that God cannot manage without me.  This is the height of pride, I think?

The opposite, though, thinking that because God is all powerful I have no responsibilities to build his kingdom here on earth, is just as dangerous.  I could use this to justify a life of selfishness and self-indulgence.

So where's the balance?  How do I understand what the call of God is on my life?

Over the years I've gone through a number of stages.  I grew up firmly entrenched in the teaching of "I have no hands but your hands."  I struggled to figure out just want God wanted from me, living in fear that I would somehow get it wrong.

I believed, "If I don't do it the WORK of God will not be done."  And I worked hard.  And if I failed, I worked harder.  All of which led to a perfectionism that drove me and everyone around me to the verge of exhaustion.

I'd bought the lie that if I don't do it, it won't get done.  I drove myself.  The most difficult kids will not be taught if I didn't do it.  The family would fall apart if I didn't micromanage everything. The "lost" will be lost forever if I don't tell them about Jesus.  The earthly success and eternal destiny of others rested firmly on my shoulders.  And I found little joy in this type of obedience to the Word of God.

In reality I was acting as if, even though God had given me new life in Jesus, I needed to somehow convince him that I deserved it.  And I could never do enough to convince Him, so I just kept doing more.

In all of this, I began deciding what God needed to be doing in a certain areas, and taking it upon myself to make it happen.  He had to bless what I was doing because I was working for Him, didn't He?  Thinking I had to do it all. . .that if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done (or at least done right!), I seldom had the energy to be joyful.

Then I was introduced to William Blackerby.  Through his writings I saw God's commands in Scripture in a completely new light.  He pointed out to me that God is always at work in the world, with me or without me, whether I recognize it or not. 

He taught me to look around to see what God was doing in a given situation, and then see where He might be inviting me to join in His work.  How I loved this.  I was no longer responsible for deciding what needed to be done.  I just needed to look for where God was working, and pick up where He had left off.

This was good as far as I went.  Somehow, though, I still kept trying to do more and more.  I could see so many places where there were needs, so many ways in which God was working to meet those needs.  I thought I needed to be a part of all of them.  After all, God was at work.  He needed me to help him out.  I was still driven, and mistakenly thought that Jesus was the one doing the driving.

I crashed and burned doing this.  Fortunately, it was after my children were raised, and before coming to the mission field.  I reached a place where I could literally do nothing, for God or myself.  I had to find in this helplessness what meaning my life had if I was not doing.  Just to punctuate this lesson, God let me experience a variety of physical problems in addition to my spiritual burnout.  

And in this brokenness I discovered that God does not need me.  But He desperately wants me.  He desires me is a way more powerful than any human being could desire me.  And He desires that I want Him, more than any other person or even activity.

As I grew in my desire for my God, He began showing me where He was moving in my life and in the lives of those around me.  It was different this time.  The pressure was off, even as the desire was more intense than anything I had ever known.  It is this intense desire that has brought me here.  It is this intense desire that keeps me here.  This is why I am here.  Not because He needs me here, but because He wants me here.  He allows me to be part of what He is doing in Guatemala, though many ordinary people, just like me.

He calls me to BE here.  To be open, to be available, to be present to whoever is with me in any moment.  It might be the guys in my house, it might be the students at the school, but often it is the person I least expect to be called to love.  The bus driver, the lady who sells me eggs, the one who brings my tortillas.  The drunk man sleeping outside my front door.

Does He need me to be here?  I believe that is too strong a word, giving too much emphasis to my own importance in this process.  He calls me here, allows me to be here, empowers me to serve here.  When I remember this, I can do this life called missions.  When I forget, it is impossible.


Unfortunately, I often forget.  I get caught up in doing.  I wish I could say it was doing for HIM, but too often it is doing for the sake of what I am doing.  That's when I need to pull up short and remember why I am here.


When all there is to do becomes overwhelming, when it seems impossible to do what I believe He is asking--that's when I need to go back and remember to be.  Not be here in Guatemala, but be in HIM.

I ask your prayers as I am needing to remember this today.

To hear the entire song, click here.