Handling My Desire

Last August I wrote:

And it seems easier right now to kill the dream [of moving to Guatemala] than to wait.  To wait, invest more of me in this crazy dream, and maybe be disappointed seems like a slap in the face from God.  I guess I don't know how to wait with hope.  Only with dread.  I guess deep inside I don't believe God would give me what I want so much. "God, why is it so hard to trust that you want my good?  Why can't we be on the same page at the same time, just this once."

Seems I've been thinking a lot about the role desire deferred plays in my life, especially the life of my spirit.  The traditional teaching I've received is that I should desire nothing except God.  Easier said than done.  I've tried and tried, and continued to fail. I still have my "God gimme list."

I still struggle to believe that God could want to honor or use my desires for His purpose.  In fact, I guess I've gone to the other extreme--secretly believing that if it's something I want, then it CAN'T be God's will.  So I do all kinds of weird things with my desire(s).  Ignore it.  Disown it. Deny it. Avoid it. Abandon it. And finally try to kill it, often under the guise of "duty."

And nothing seems to work.  Despite my best efforts, it keeps breaking through.  Usually at the most inopportune times:  when I'm tired, discouraged, lonely or hungry.  When I'm at my weakest. Least able to handle it.  Most vulnerable to deception.

So I push, strive, try to "make it happen" on my own.  I refuse to believe that what God wants for me could ever be as good as what I want for myself.  To live life on my own terms. And I distort my God-given desire into self-centered wants.  I settle for small, false fulfillments of great desires.  I sin.

This is when I get into trouble.  But what DO I do with my desire? In trying to figure this out, I look once again to my model, Jesus.  How did He handle His desire, even when it was contrary to the will of the Father?

Wait a minute.  Isn't that sacriledge?  Jesus not wanting to honor the Father's will?  Is that even possible?

But isn't that exactly what happened in Gethsemane?  "Abba. . .Take this cup from me." (Mark 14:36).  Sounds a little like me.  "Father, I don' want to have to do this."  "Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."  (Matt. 26:42b)  "Okay, Father I'll do it if I have to, but do I really  have to?"

And, looking at Jesus, I discover that He did not try to deny, ignore, or kill His desire.  He surrendered it.    (Don't I often hear, "Let go and let God!"  Makes me want to scream, "I'd do that if I just knew HOW.)  Jesus shows me how.  He honestly and directly tells the Father what His desire is, even grieves not getting His desire fulfilled.  Then he make a conscious decision to ruthlessly trust Abba.  At no time does it seem He pretends, but is painfully real with the Father.  This is what I believe He'd have me do.

Father, help me to open my heart to you.  Not just to receive Your love, but to honestly and trustingly share what's in my heart with you.  Even when it doesn't seem acceptable.  Even when it's not pretty.  Transform my little desires into the great desire You have written in my heart.  Jesus, I want more of you.  Jesus, I want to be more like You.  When You are my desire, I can rest assured You will give me the desire of my heart.