On Monday I received the very very sad news about our little friend Rodrigo. I offered to take him and his mother Francisca, the week before to Antigua. . .He was having fever and coughing and I think he had a convulsion before he [died]. . .Rodrigo is now with God.
Again my heart hurts. And I sit here, so sad for Francisca, Rodrigo's mother,—after how hard she’s fought to give that little one life, I can’t even begin to imagine what it feels like to have to let him go. And again, my selfish heart focuses on how I don’t like actually knowing first hand these dear ones who are suffering so much, whether in Omaha or Guatemala.
In the last few weeks I’ve met with so many terribly hurting people. But God has been gracious—in the last two weeks I’ve also gotten to be with four people who prayed to give their lives to Jesus. Have been a bit concerned because, rather than feeling emotionally excited, I’ve almost felt emotionally broken that He would let me be a part of these decisions. And I’ve SEEN changes in these folks! I feel like I’ve been walking on holy ground and it’s almost too profound to be excited about. Only awe and reverence fit.
As I’ve asked God about this, He’s given me the word “harvest” to meditate on. I’d taken my youngest son Joel with me to visit the last person who prayed (since I was going to an apartment of someone I didn’t know). He’d waited for me in the car, and when I came out and told him another person had come to Christ, he said, “Mom, are you SURE God is saying GUATEMALA?” In that instant I remembered that, about two weeks ago, I’d asked God to let me see (open my eyes) how He was working in Omaha as much as I see Him working in Guatemala. And I knew that was exactly what He’s done.
Then yesterday, I was preparing for a group I lead in a small town about 30 miles outside of Omaha, and was teaching on the woman at the well. As I read past the passage I’d assigned I came to these words of Jesus, “I tell you, open your eyes and look at the fields! They are ripe for harvest.” And I realized that God has been good enough to let me actually SEE what has been going on all the time. . .and also has helped me understand where I am getting the ability to do what I’m doing, even though I feel profoundly tired. In the same passage Jesus said, "My food," said Jesus, "is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.” And I’m realizing that my strength is coming only from Him.
But it hurts to start to care about someone, let them into your heart, and risk that things won't turn out the way we think they should. So my temptation has been again, to shut off my heart. In the middle of all God is doing, my heart is still heavy. And I remember Isaiah 61 (I think) where it tell us God will give us a “garment of praise” to replace our “spirit of heaviness.” And I choose to praise, rather than hide again in the dark places of my heart, and hide even from Him. And as I praise God for letting Rodrigo come into my life, I realize that he, too, is part of the harvest.
Still I keep fighting so hard to keep caring in the abstract, but it seems He just won’t let me. . . ‘cuz it’s not about me. . .There are too many more Rodrigo's and Lisvi's out there who still need help. Once again I pray, "God, I need your help because today serving you hurts so much."
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