As I have been preparing to share at our Taste of Guatemala Dinner on Saturday, I have felt a burden. A burden which is not mine to carry, but I try to anyway. This past year, in addition to some great joys, we have faced a number of new and significant challenges in our ministry. Illnesses among the residents, significant car repairs, the need to let go of some of our workers, even some repairs to the house after a big tremor from a nearby earthquake, have stretched our faith as well as our finances.
When there has been a shortfall in funds, it's been hard for me not to feel as if I am falling short. I KNOW God is our provider, and He has never failed us. I KNOW we are being good stewards of what He has given us. I KNOW that temporary setbacks are not permanent positions. But sometimes it's hard waiting for Him to act.
You see, my name in Pat and I'm a recovering control freak. I not only like my ducks in a row, but I like to tie them together so they can't get away. On the mission field, I have often not even been able to find my ducks! And immediately I default to starting to believe the lies of the enemy that it's because I am not doing enough. I am not enough. Smart enough, strong enough, financially astute enough to run a ministry. Surely God could have found someone with better business sense to run this type of ministry. (After all, I came down here to work at an orphanage part time, and just be responsible for myself!)
But, here I am. God has put me here. I do the best I know how with the advice of wise counsel. And still the unexpected happens and it is a struggle. I have to surrender to the tyranny of the unpredictable and continue to soldier on.
And there is my problem. I try to do it. I take on responsibilities which are not mine. And I need to go back and remember what God has done in the past to demonstrate His faithfulness over and over again. This is what has led me to my 21 Days of Prayer exercise of giving thanks. It has helped me to focus on the fact that I KNOW the responsibility for this ministry is not mine, but God's. He has delegated stewardship of the work to me, but it depends squarely on Him. This is the reality of living a faith based ministry. And while I KNOW He is faithful, it's hard to wait for Him to come through.
I have always loved the stories of George Mueller and the way in which God provided miraculously for his ministry. It has always seemed so romantic to think of him praying all night because there was no food for the children in his orphanage, and miraculously in the morning, food was provided. How lovely those stories are. While I have so admired his faith and trust in God, never once have I considered what it must have cost him as a man, a human being, to live that faith. I can't imagine that, like me, he didn't have fear trying to creep into his every prayer. Worry trying to distract him from praise God for what He was going to do. But he persevered. And I want to persevere.
I want to be able to say with Paul:
I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Phil. 4: 12-13)
I desire to live each day in obedience to His call, showing the peace and joy of the Holy Spirit. I rebuke worry, preoccupation, and the sense of failure. I claim God's protection and provision over my life and our ministry.
Will you pray these things with and for me?
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