Learning to be a Human BEING (July 15, 2010)

In my room at Mari and Leo's

Today was such an ordinary day, I couldn’t quite think of what I was going to journal about. Really
“accomplished” nothing today, except spending time with the kids at Hermano Pedro. And as I prayed about this, I realize how I’m still striving to DO rather than surrendering to BEING. Can this possibly be God’s will for my life, just being? Can it really be this simple?

I’m beginning to realize that though I may not be able to show tangible events as “proof” of my service, that much is happening inside of me, and hopefully inside of those I touch each day. I really struggled over whether or not to go to language school in Costa Rica, to become more “equipped” to serve here, but understand now that this initial time is part of my equipping.

Each day I learn more about being a “missionary” from Dick and Chris and Donna and others who have served here for years. I’m grateful they share their wisdom with me, and know I am a better person because of their friendship. (“Missionary” is in quotes, because I’m still trying to figure out what that means. How is what I am doing here different from what I was called to do at Westside? As Dick pointed out to me today, aren’t we all called to share and be Jesus to each other, no matter where we live?)

Amber, a volunteer from the States, holding Patita

As I held Patita (little Paty) at the orphanage today, she taught me much about just being Jesus to another. Paty is one of the most significantly involved kids I’ve met. She cannot even eat orally, and is fed through a stomach tube. Today when I came in, she was crying, and there was no way I could just walk by her crib and not stop to spend time with her. As soon as I lowered the side of her bed, her crying stopped. It seemed as though she reached out for me with her eyes, though she was unable to with her hands. She has very limited movement, though today she did smile and reach for my face as I held her (which reduced me to tears).

I don’t know that I’ve ever felt so strongly the call to let my hands and arms be the hands and arms of Jesus. As I prayed over her, I saw her face and body relax. Did she understand my words? Probably not. But I believe she experienced the touch of the Holy Spirit in her spirit. I’m learning that I’m not called just to minister to physical, intellectual, and emotional needs of the kids, but also to their spiritual needs. I really don’t think that there is such a thing as being “spiritually handicapped” unless it is something we do to ourselves by clinging to our intellect and abilities, rather than just yielding to the touch of God. I find myself almost automatically starting to pray over each child as I say “hello” or wish them “good night.” They are teaching me much about inviting Jesus into all my encounters.

I also profoundly experience the truth of Jesus’ words, “whatever you have done to the least of these, you have done to me.” Today as I held and “fed” Paty, I had the strong impression that in some way I was holding Jesus as I never had before. She was being Jesus to me as much as I was being Jesus to her. I was once again overwhelmed and humbled by the privilege of serving Him in the kids. He is “blessing my socks off” each day that I’m here.

Folks sometimes ask me what I think God’s “purpose” is, in allowing these children to be so limited in the things we think are important. Each day I see more clearly that their “ministry” is to show me (and any who will take the time to see and hear them) what REALLY is important. They teach me each day what it REALLY means to be a human being (vs. a human “doing”), and I sometimes wonder if God created each of them only to help me grow into the person He created me to be. Their very existence brings glory to the One who made them. I’m trying to follow their example in bringing Him glory more by who I AM than by what I DO.